kiss me i'll make you happy

if all fail, and i fall miserably, at least i have a safety net. i am coming back to where i belong. i will live in manado.

I am just too young. I have so many dreams I have dreamt about since I was a little girl. And I need to make these dreams come true, even tho in the end I might regret the decision. Because if I don’t, I will ALWAYS have this question in my mind: “What if…?” The thing with childhood dreams is that you would not know to which direction the course of life will take you. And when I was dreaming of these things during my childhood, I never thought that YOU will happen in my life. And you did. Unexpectedly. And I love you. I do. But I am just so young. I still have these things I wanted to do in life. I do not know how to fit you in there. And now I am forced to choose. Between that little girl that was once me, and you. I know I want to choose you. I do. I keep on looking for reasons to stay with you. But sometimes you make it difficult. Please just don’t make me choose otherwise.. Cuz frankly, right now, I have enough reasons to choose that little girl and runaway from you.

- me

I currently seriously do not know what the future brings. Am I to stay in the Netherlands with my boyfriend? But why should I? It’s not like I already have any commitment with him or whatever. We have not talked about marriage yet. Or tying whatever knot. Not that I am crazily in a rush for it, I am aware that our relationship is new, I have not met his parents, I have not known him thoroughly, as he has not known me thoroughly yet. Me living with him during my grad school does not mean that we are already thinking about the long term. Many things can happen right? He has told me that he was staying in the Netherlands even tho I decided to go somewhere else, because his job is here, and his house is here, it is not easy to just leave these things all behind and go to the end of the world with me (well I don’t expect him to, too). But when it comes to it, if I decide to stay here, it is all because I want to be near him. And that would be the main and only reason. Well I don’t fancy the Netherlands. Okay it’s not that I hate it. It’s just that this is not where I want to be. The place is okay. But I do not see myself working in here, living in here. This is just not the place. Will ‘staying here for the sake of my relationship’ be an enough reason to stay? I want to go travel somewhere else. I want Australia. Or Hong Kong. Either of them both. I don’t know why Hong Kong, it just comes to my mind. But I want Australia! Beside that it is close to home (Indonesia) and that my parents can easily visit me, there is another very tempting reason. My sister has told me she was looking forward to pursue a Psychology master degree in Australia. She wanted to stay with me in my house, wherever city it is that I will live in. I was thinking about Sydney. Or Melbourne. But she will be graduation in 2 years. If I decided to stay in NL first before leaving for Australia, it would be no earlier than 3 years. And I have my financial issues to sort out with. I want to help my parents paying for my sister’s school. It would not be easy if I am already in a serious relationship with anyone at that moment. Would he be understanding enough to mix our financial together yet let me use OUR money to pay for my family? I am not assured of it. And I would really love to go to Australia. And I am not sure whether I should just abandon my dream to stay here? There are times during our relationship when we fought so hard I cried at the corner of the room thinking to myself “what have I done, what am I doing in here? why am I here with him, why did I take that very serious decision? was it a right one?”. I understand that these kinds of things show that I am in no position to consider serious relationship YET with him. I am not saying that I will not. I am just saying that I am not there yet.

Is it worth enough to stay? If bad things happen, I surely do not want to stay here. At all. I wanna go somewhere else. But how stupid would it be to stay in a country, get a job, build a life, just for the sake of a relationship, knowing that it can be thrown out at any time? It doesn’t sound like a very solid base for me. 

Well I guess what I am saying is that deep down in my heart I am not thoroughly sure about this thing—this relationship I am having with my boyfriend. The more I think about it, the more I feel this nagging nudge in my mind to run for my life.

But yeah, I am confused. Totally.

I don’t care if New York Cities are built with concrete where dreams are made of.. Or if its streets will make me feel brand new. Like they say.

I don’t care if they have the best summer in Australia.

Or if the water is turquoise in Bora-Bora.

I don’t care if people are falling in love in Paris.

Or that they have that beautiful view in Greece.

The places can’t do justice to what you are to me.

And where you are, that is where I want to stay.

Right here, with you.

I am staying. Have always been, will always do.